People in life tend to be two of three things. There are three possibilities and you are with a doubt two of them, whether or not you know it. The first is that humility is father of the mother of invention, which is necessity. Too much pride never really contributed to our existence. So, it could be that you are humility, the one that humbly goes through life devoting time and effort into the bettering of something. The majority of people cannot claim to possess this quality, which means that the majority of people are the other two things. This story is about those people.


Times began to change once upon a time, without a doubt even thrice upon a time. In the event that anything is about to change it is always a good idea to pack up all of your belongings and barter them for topsoil. This will more than likely be a very precious commodity once the change has come. You must always be inconspicuous while doing so. Tipping neighbors off might put you out because no matter how much equivalency of topsoil you have in knickknacks, it is still a common occurrence that the congregation of the rest of the population will outnumber you.


It is also accurate to assume that you will never accrue the amount that you will need. So finding the companion named futility can be a very entertaining way to say good-bye. Things change and people go but futility will be your wingman in times of desperation.

It is also true that a man existed once only to have lost his life in the end. This natural phenomenon is at times predictable and at other times not. If you look at it on grand scale it is most certainly going to happen. On a smaller scale it’s not so likely. In the event of change prepare to be prepared. Or make a new friend.


The affinity for the east by the west was at times superior to that of just about anything. Until it was retroactively applied, confusing the rest of the planet. Then a long lasting stalemate became the progeny of this misunderstood event. A stalemate is almost always followed by animosity on either side of the gate. Animosity, though, is apparently what makes the world work like it does. Without something as powerful as this there would be no movement. It is a natural drive that makes things go beyond its supposed potential.

Children play games as often as time will permit. And what better place is there than a place that allows imagination to run rampant. The molding of sand into anything fathomable and the crashing of the water on your open canvas, the beaches attract as if they were magnetized. This is the setting of a change that no one could foresee. A hole digging is often a popular allurement. One child and a shovel on the beach often turns into a flock with a tractor with an idea of digging for a reason other than to dig. It is good to see that even our young have ambitions. A hole being dug out has to lead to somewhere. What better place than China. It is almost unheard of for children to truly make it anywhere with these absurd concepts. Mainly that attention span is consumed by hunger. In order to accomplish anything you have to keep energized. The only problem is that once sitting down to replenish it feels better to keep replenishing than do much of anything else.


As it turns out these children were in much too big of a hurry to get somewhere, which means they finished before ever getting hungry. The hole was completed in hurry and by the time they had crossed to the other side the energy was spent and hunger had set in. Just in time for a great Chinese buffet.

This starts the beginning of a great oriental adventure of which anything that the children have ever seen would fail to compare properly. Unless of course they had indeed been to China before, which is highly doubtful considering the hurry in which they were in to get there. Which I guess they may have been in a hurry to get there if they had been there before and found it as spectacular has they did this time around.


Digging a hole from one end of the Earth to the other is as dangerous as mining, due mainly to the fact that mining consists of digging holes and it is dangerous. It is widely known that cave-ins happen regularly in loose sand, so proper tools are necessary to perform such a feat. But these are children, and children don’t own tools, let alone know how to use them. So the only way to get through the sand is to dig faster than the sand will fall. And that’s exactly what happened. But small cave-ins happened along the way, which is expected, making the number of kids exiting the hole much smaller than the number going in. A project of this caliber is certainly going to require a loss of life. But as in the past, leave your wounded for the hungry and continue on.


Three children exited the hole in the heart of the orient. The land of the midgets, as a full grown adult was as tall as the new arrivals. Treated with great hospitality and good water the children experienced a once in a life time event. Meeting dragons and watching fireworks, smelling flowers never before seen and counting higher than ever before with people all around. They were told that all new arrivals had to meet the emperor and they were way more willing to do so than most people. Considering that they’re naïve little ones compared to an adult of a lesser naïve nature. The Emperor declared that day a holiday stating that the far ends of the world have been united and that this holiday is the commencement of a new age. Glory would fall upon the world in unison and greatness would toll.


As everyone took their seats for a great feast out from the hole came several giants. From a distance they were easily seen. I mean they were giants in the land of midgets. The children could see over the heads of the Orientals with ease and declared that these giants were of no threat and that they were indeed not giants but their parents.

As it turned out it was supper time and they were late. So back into the hole they all went. This great adventure was going to have to wait until the next day. I mean who could really pass up food.


Speaking light-heartedly about change cannot be tolerated. And of the things that many never thought of and many never argued is that change is absolute. Among things that change are the tides. The tide arrived about the time the children were making their way into bed. Now I’m not too sure if you’ve ever witnessed water in a hole, but it tends to do about the same thing that everything else does in a hole, it falls. But unlike some other arbitrary object, water gives a good show. Though water is the reason for our existence, it can also play a major role in your demise. Water likes to travel and what better route than a direct course, such as a tunnel? Demise is often thought of a bad thing and there was no difference in the thinking of these china men.


The water rose to a point just high enough to drown the shortest of the midgets in the orient. Now this was a problem for them, but the real conundrum began with the recession of the tides, littering the new world in corpses.


War was eminent. The holiday was abolished. The east was angry with the west for having killed and kidnapped the vast majority of their population. The west responded with “Despite the fact that we helped you by eradicating your genetic inferiority, you littered our land with death, disease is sure to prevail.”


Who was in the wrong? It is certainly hard to say but one thing is for certain. There would be no return for the children. Children can cry, they do, and these in particular were no different. The tunnel was destroyed but this will not be the last time something of this magnitude will be constructed with the intentions of reaching foreign soil. The focal point of these delusions of grandeur being the west, with the west reaching out like an orphan to simply extend itself back to its roots.


At this point, anyone with any shred of intelligence would begin amassing topsoil. It really is the best thing you could do in a situation like this. With headlines reading “War Eminent”, you’d be fool not to do so. What brings more change than war? If you can give a legitimate answer make sure to leave a notch on a stick and hide it under a trapdoor. Make sure you tell no one because misfortunate is certainly on the prowl for the likes of knowledgeable people.

Aquarius Biding

            The world was covered from head to toe. Then it wasn’t. The best was most certainly not saved for last. Todays richest were the first to harvest, mainly because previously they were dirt poor and today dirt rich. When speaking of irony you couldn’t speak of a better example.

The world once held its arms open and the world grew smaller. Now everyone was shut away from each other and the world was large and as unknown as darkness once again. It wasn’t uncommon in this new age for people to have never heard of such common places as even China. All was forgotten as ties were cut. Life was meaningless forever more.

With the topsoil removed from the surface, the Earth was as lustrous as a glistening iron slab. Sunshine reflected off like never before. The Earth was now the brightest object in sky to many neighbors. But as bright as it may be, the social standings on it were as dark as deep space. It seemed as if nothing were to ever make things bright again.


Life continued on like this for two reasons. No one was willing to risk meeting strangers, and it is always easier to not attempt doing anything. Complacency was common place in this modern society. Sophistication fleeted with the desire to improve.


Mankind for the first time in history was stagnant. An eternity long stalemate endured due to the hysterical fear embracing humanity, all this due to children playing on the beach. In the future please remind your kids that a hole may be fun to dig but filling it in could take a lifetime. Thus began the teachings of a new church known to all as Aquarius Biding.

Aquarius Biding was one of the things that somehow managed to link the planet in a common thought. It seems that everyone had the same beliefs but didn’t know it because they were too afraid to ask. The world was burning with desire and hope but everyone was too afraid to express this to others, for fear of the next tidal cleansing.


Tidal cleansing was the dominant reason for the natural world-wide hysteria. It seems that over time it was forgotten just how the last one happened, but just that it did. That was truly all that mattered. It kept everyone holding on to the slightest bit of fear that acted as the glue that held society together, as good as society was at least. It may have not been the best but it was they all had.



This was the first change. A change for the worse, but without the bitter you would never know the sweet. So even though this wasn’t the best of times it was most certainly necessary for it to happen for us to enjoy what would come next, unless of course it got worse, in which case mass hysteria would more than likely have been replaced with mass suicide.

Suicide was often a common practice among Aquarius Biding followers, but certainly not by the leaders, because they had more dirt given to them in offerings than most people possessed period. These ministers were indeed the most dirt rich people to live. And why would you kill yourself when you can have anything you want. Just point the finger to as many as you can, claiming that the surge is coming and watch the dirt roll in.


These ministers were now the new leaders of the world. Everyone obeyed them and took what they said to be truth. There was to be no questioning of them, this was heresy, and that was punishable by an intentional drowning in urine. The religion of Aquarius Biding strongly believed that life begins and ends with water. To be drowned in something other than water meant eternal damnation. To be drowned in urine meant that they thought you were a demon and you needed to be purged of your not so sanitary condition. At the time the best cleansing agent available happened to be urine. This was because it was discovered that relieving yourself on the ground, which now was nearly all metal, you could then see your reflection at your feet, and it was good at killing foot fungus too. It was quite common to find people urinating on their feet, or saving buckets of urine to wash themselves at a later point in time.


The way the world was governed was simple. There was a main minister strategically placed in an area at a considerable difference from the next. He convinced everyone that they could be saved from being drowned in anything other than water by giving him dirt. Ministers bombarded their followers with information that lead them to believe that strangers were evil and will kill them on sight. This kept the world dark and unfriendly and in constant fear of just about anything you could imagine. These were the new dark ages and futility befriended all who welcomed him.


Ministers often went on sabbatical leaves. No one truly knew where they went, but they were told that he was going to speak to the water bearer; they believed him, for fear of urine. It was later suspected by a few intelligent people, how they got intelligent is unknown considering everyone was ignorant at the time, that they were leaving to meet up with a minister from another land. They concluded that all of what they believed in was simply a ruse to keep the ministers in power. These men were drowned in urine. It seems as intelligent as they may have been they weren’t intelligent enough to not say anything. And now they smell like a public trough.


Conspiracy wasn’t a main topic of conversation amongst the common folk. It was however a way of life that no one paid any real mind to. Life was simple yet terrifying and no one was willing to do anything about it. They foraged for nuts and topsoil to survive. The topsoil was gone and so were the nuts because there was now nothing for the plants to grow in. This foraging was quite a task. However life endured. It seems to do that regardless of how ignorant that life is. The world was the brightest and darkest it’s ever been. Something with this magnitude of absurdness was definitely going to bring change. Collect your topsoil, if you can.

 Sea of Lighthouses

Inertia, the tendency of something to resist change, is an uncontrollable force. Whether the change needs to be overcome or not, it will be resisted. If a good change is about to overpower a bad condition, it will be resisted. And naturally, When a bad change is about to overpower a good condition, it will be resisted. So these dark ages weren’t willing to be enlightened as easily as one may assume.


The ministers of Aquarius Biding would resist any change that would disempower them with ferocity. That’s natural, and mankind is a part of nature so it’s safe to assume that the statement I made is accurate. If you doubt this, put a notch on a stick and put it under a trap door.


Anyone would be surprised if a visitor from a faraway place came to your doorstep complaining that you sent them to the wrong destination. I would and I’m certain you would. How can some random stranger even suggest such a ridiculous thing? How could you make someone you don’t even know do something that you never even conceived of even trying? It turns out, they are right, and what do you do? Keep that baffled look on you face and offer the last nut you have off your plate.


This is indeed what happened. Large flying objects descended to the earth in record numbers. Not that there was ever really a record of this considering no one had ever seen anything that could fly before. The entire planet was reunified in communication once again. The darkness had been lifted with the arrival of a more intelligent race.


At first these aliens were extremely disgruntled. Apparently these earthlings really did make them arrive at the wrong location. According to their leader, Earth was acting like a beacon with all the sunlight reflecting off of the surface. They had mistaken it for one of their own lighthouses at a refueling station on the outer perimeter of their territory. In the past they had spent much time removing the topsoil off planets, converting them into lighthouses, all across the galaxy. We were indeed responsible for ruining their trip.


These aliens weren’t too happy. They were about to be landing at a refueling station, which meant they needed fuel. Now they were stranded. This terrified many locals. They were under the impression that these were the water bearers and since they were unhappy with them they were to all be drowned in urine. This didn’t happen. Instead they were all to be converted into slaves. The aliens were fragile because they had been in zero gravity so long and they needed someone of a stronger nature to do the mining for fuel. As I stated earlier, mining is dangerous, even for aliens. As it turns out though the slaves were released instantly when the aliens found out that the earthlings had already done the mining for them. Apparently these alien ships were fueled by shiny, shiny being any object that shines, and the earth was now just a giant lump of alien fuel.


The gratitude of these aliens was expressed with exchange of culture, thought, and most importantly technology. Earth was returning to normal once again with all credit given to a mysterious visitor. Change was well on its way and everyone was happy except the ministers.

It had seemed that Aquarius Biding had seen the last of its days, though one last uprising was to be had. All the ministers had gathered together and amassed an army of its largest followers. A final revolt was to show the human race that the water bearers were indeed not these guys. With rakes and hoes at hand as weapons, I really don’t know why you would need these tools anymore with the Earth in the condition that it’s in, they marched to the leaders headquarters and demanded topsoil or face their wrath. This was quite absurd because for the most part everyone knew topsoil would be worthless now that they had the technology to make as much of it as they needed. What did possess worth now was shiny. Laughter echoed easily off of the shiny surface. The small militia dropped their heads in shame, knowing their religion was no longer in power. All they could pray for now is to go home and drown each other in water. Their days were numbered. At the same moment the largest of the ships flew into position and hovered over the army. More urine fell upon them than could ever have been imagined. They were robbed of their dignity because the aliens do not take threats from yard tools lightly, Aquarius Biding was no more.


There was now a large spot on the surface that was cleaned better than ever before. It shined brighter than anything imaginable. Everyone had to block the rays with their hands just to continue conversation. Oppression was over and the bright earth was now bright indeed. Hope was in the air and the new change was as accepted as a bucket of urine on a dirty day.

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