The Atheist’s Guide to Believing in God

May 13, 2005

Sometimes people believe in God and sometimes they don’t. If you ever need to believe in God this guide will teach you how to believe in one so that you don’t have to feel alone, don't have to wonder whether or not you will enjoy a life after death, or so you can kill yourself and earn the right to burn in hell. I would certainly choose the latter.

Let me point out that, today, I am indeed a narcissistic-megalomaniacal-atheistic solipsist looking for faith. However, when I was a young boy I believed in God for no other reason that I was told to. And then one day I didn’t. God told me he hated me so I smote him with my disbelief. “That’ll teach that guy,” I thought, but it didn’t. He came back at me hard. So the next time around I convinced everyone I knew not to believe in hopes that the more that didn’t believe the more it was true. That didn’t work either.

And finally I realized that all you had to do to not believe in God is to totally avoid having thoughts. That isn’t an easy ability to get your head around. So, I did that for a while until my lack of thought evolved into dreams, whereupon, I realized that I was God.

Now believing that I am God and being an atheist was quite hard for me. I didn’t quite know how to deal with my own non-existence. I had to figure out a way to believe in a God so that I could explain my very presence and the ridiculousness of my thought patterns.

If you have ever found yourself intentionally repudiating a belief and suddenly find it necessary to acknowledge said belief, but only beliefs referring to godlike powers, for whichever reason you deem worthy, walk in my shoes and follow these instructions precisely.

 

Step 1: Clearing your mind of all thoughts in order to become a Solipsist.

 

Sometimes you think. Other times you think too much. In order to relieve yourself of this pesky problem you have to learn to sleep about 23 hours a day, and then force yourself to dream during that time. The other hour of the day is reserved for nourishment and relieving oneself; preferably whilst still being asleep.

Once all you have left in this existence is your dreams, you can truly learn to live. It is in these pseudo events that you will begin to realize the true you, the person that you are too afraid to be in reality, the person that you so desperately desire to be. Realizing who you truly are is the beginning of clearing your mind of all thoughts. Once you begin to think you know everything about what you stand for, there is quite literally nothing left to think about; except for your self-exalting arrogance, which is really quite fun. So much so that you can lose yourself in it, which is close enough to clearing your mind. I would assume. The thoughtless mind ensues. You’re welcome!

The only problem one could have with this first step is if you have a problem sleeping. So, for all of you insomniacs out there, please give up! The world doesn’t need your kind with all that actual reality going on amongst yourselves.

Once all of you insomniacs discover the blessing of Ambien and actually get to see what Step 1 is all about, you may continue to Step 2; as for the rest of you sleepers, continue on to Step 2 without the use of prescription drugs. And for those of you already suffering from solipsistic-megalomaniacal deslusions like myself, go to Step 2 and don't read the above section.

Either way, now you are a Solipsist. Congratulations! None of this exists anymore. You can continue on to Step 2 to further learn to believe in a god that isn’t you, or continue to believe you are the creator of all things and be satisfied with what this guide has done for you already.

 

Step 2: Removing Your Inner God and Projecting It Upon a False Idol

 

Why would you want to believe in another god if you truly believed you were him? You got me. I'm satisfied with my results, therefore, I will not write any further on this How-To. Besides, you are all figments of my imagination, so, who cares if I continue. Although, what if I'm wrong about you not being real and I teach you how to become God. The power would be in your hands. Or, maybe I'm a figment of your imagination and I'm on to you and you've just been demoted. Good riddance I say.



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